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When I first realized how much resentment had built up between my husband and me, I realized something had to change. I remember thinking, "Why doesn’t he put in more effort? Why do I feel so alone in this?" "Why does my husband do the bare minimum while I do so much?"
But then, I took a long, hard look at my own behavior and began to see some surprising truths. I noticed how, over time, I’d become more critical and controlling, micromanaging everything in our relationship and household. If he helped out with cooking dinner, I’d respond with a sarcastic “now how about the dishes?” that made it clear I wasn’t actually thankful at all. If he invited me to watch a movie together, I complained that he didn't plan a romantic dinner instead. I wasn't pleasable anymore. It was as though he couldn't do anything right. My frustration seeped out, in the tone of my voice and energy, telling him, “You’re still not doing enough to make me happy. And nothing you do may ever be enough".
Of course, I didn't actually think that. I thought, "if he would only be more thoughtful, helpful, affectionate, and romantic, everything would be fine!" But the way I acted like a prickly cactus wasn't very inspiring or conducive to connection. I was stuck in a cycle of disappointment and resentment and had no idea how to get out.
Looking back, I realize that my reactions were building walls between us. Little by little, my husband lost his initiative and his motivation to even try. He felt like he could never make me happy anyway, so why even try? That was a turning point for me—a wake-up call to shift from controlling and criticizing to embracing gratitude and vulnerability. I had to accept that while I couldn’t control him, I could control how I showed up in our marriage. The realization was life-changing.
If you’re feeling unappreciated, unsupported, and resentful, I'm confident the steps below can be a guide to turning things around and feeling more supported.
How did we end up here?
Over time, life’s stresses and our unmet expectations can build up, leading us to take on more than we can handle and become overly critical or controlling. Everything he's not doing becomes the center of focus, and if you're anything like me, you might have a long list of ways he's doing the bare minimum. "He's not romantic", "he doesn't show interest or give me affection", "he never helps with the house or the kids", to name just a few.
We lose track of what we once saw in the man we chose. Like I once did, maybe you’ve started to believe that if you don’t do it, it won’t get done—or done “right.” If you don't plan the date night, it will never happen. If you don't tidy the kitchen, no one will. If you don't make a budget, you'll end up buried in debt. Your husband's efforts may seem insufficient, and you may find yourself frustrated at every turn.
Unfortunately, these negative scripts that run on replay in our heads often have many unintended effects. Because the resentful conversation we have with ourselves in our head has a way of seeping out of our pores and contaminating the relationship even more. When we micromanage, criticize (even inwardly), or control, it can cause our husbands to retreat, feeling discouraged and unappreciated. This pattern becomes a resentment loop—a cycle where we feel hurt and resentful, which leads to more control and criticism, pushing our husbands further away and reinforcing our frustration.
Here are a few questions to reflect on:
“What am I most frustrated about in my marriage?" "How do I want to feel?"
“Are there recurring conversations I have out loud or in my head about my husband? If what I focus on increases, what's the conversations I want to be having?
“How do I usually react when I’m disappointed by my husband? Does it feel dignified?”
Taking a moment to reflect on these questions is the first step in understanding our own patterns. From there, we can make powerful changes by shifting our focus to what we can control. Let’s dive into some specific skills that can help break the resentment loop.
When your husband does the bare minimum: how to turn things around in your marriage
1. Practice a spouse-fulfilling prophecy
In a moment of frustration, it’s easy to get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking, “He’ll never change,” or “He always does the bare minimum.” But what if you tried shifting this perspective to see his potential and capabilities? This is called a spouse-fulfilling prophecy, and it’s about choosing to believe in the best of him. When you act as if he is helpful, caring, and capable, you create an environment where he feels encouraged to be those things.
For example, instead of silently noticing everything he doesn’t do, start mentally noting when he does something—even if it’s small. Treat these moments as evidence that he’s capable of care and support.
Reflection Exercise: Write down one quality in your husband that you appreciate. Start small: perhaps he’s good at making you laugh, or he’s a great father. Focus on seeing him in this positive light throughout the week and notice any changes in his actions or your perception.
Action Step: The next time he does anything remotely helpful, even if it’s just taking out the trash, respond with sincere gratitude. Say, “Thank you for doing that—you just made the night easier for me and I appreciate it!” Over time, this encouragement can shift the dynamic, helping him feel seen and appreciated, which, in turn, can spark more effort on his part.
2. Express pure desires in a way that inspires
Many of us struggle to communicate what we truly want, especially when we’re feeling resentment or frustration. Expressing pure desires is about honestly sharing what would make you happy without attaching criticism, control, expectations, or a timeline. It’s a way to inspire rather than demand.
For example, instead of saying, “You never help me with the housework,” try expressing a pure desire: “I would love help with the laundry.” This statement is inviting and warm, leaving space for your husband to step in rather than feeling parented by his mom. He might do it, assign your teenager to takeover, or hire a mother's helper for example. How he helps isn't necessarily the point, it's the fact that he is inspired to be your hero and make you happy, and to feel free to do so in his own way.
If he doesn’t respond right away, don’t take it personally. Remember that it can take time to learn the steps to a new dance. Consistently communicating how he can make you happy is a big step forward, and you might be surprised by how he starts to become more and more responsive to your desires as he starts to feel more appreciated and seen for his efforts.
Action Step: Practice expressing it a desire in a way that inspires by saying "I would love..." without control or expectations. Notice how it feels to express this from a place of vulnerability rather than frustration.
3. Receive graciously
Receiving can be challenging, especially when we’ve gotten used to handling everything ourselves. Sometimes, it can even seem more efficient if you just do it all yourself. But receiving graciously—whether it’s help, compliments, or affection—invites more connection into your relationship. When your husband does something kind, no matter how small, make a point to accept it warmly, without undermining or dismissing it.
Action Exercise: Create a "Receiving” list. Every time your husband does something for you, write it down and practice saying, “thank you.” Even if it feels small or trivial, this gratitude cultivates positive reinforcement and will open your heart in a beautiful way.
4. The power of vulnerability
Sometimes, we find ourselves taking on everything in our marriages and households, and this can lead to deep-seated resentment. Embracing vulnerability means acknowledging when we’re at our limits. Saying “I can’t” can be incredibly powerful—it lets your husband know you need support without casting blame.
For instance, if you’re feeling exhausted from juggling household responsibilities and work, try saying, “I can’t”. This simple statement opens the door for your husband to step in, showing him that his support is not just helpful, but an opportunity for him to step up as your hero.
Another way to practice vulnerability is by sharing your genuine feelings (just be careful it doesn't become a criticism of him). Say, for example, you're frustrated because he never wants to spend quality time with you. Instead of accusing and criticizing him by saying "you never want to spend time with me", you could share your truth vulnerably and say, "I miss you". Not only is vulnerability much more connecting and inspiring, it's also respectful, and that's an important part of marriage.
Action Step: The next time you feel overwhelmed, practice saying “I can’t” without guilt. Allow yourself the grace of vulnerability and let him know you need help by honoring your limits. Or, practice saying, "I miss you", if you find yourself tempted to accuse him of not wanting to spend time with you. See how different it feels to communicate from a place of vulnerability rather than resentment.
5. Engage in self-care to reclaim your energy
One of the most powerful shifts I made in my own marriage was prioritizing self-care. When you feel unappreciated and drained, it’s easy to blame your husband or your marriage. But the truth is, it's my responsibility to make sure I'm taking care of myself. Often, if you're feeling frustrated and resentful, the best thing you can do is take time to nurture yourself—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Depletion and resentment go hand in hand. Likewise, self-care and joy do to. Wouldn't you rather have more joy in your life?
Self-Care Checklist:
Make a list of at least 20 things you love to do
Pick at least 3 per day and prioritize them!
Schedule regular moments of rest and relaxation every single day
6. Ask, “how do I feel, and what do I want?”
When I'm feeling frustrated or resentful, I know I'm on my husband's paper. My place of power is my paper, and when I realize I've drifted off it, I want to get back as soon as possible. One way to reconnect with myself is to pause and ask, “How do I feel, and what do I want?” This question helps me honor my emotions, limits, needs, and desires, allowing me to approach my husband from a place of clarity and self-respect rather than frustration.
Reflection Exercise: Each day, take a moment to write down how you’re feeling and what you desire. This process creates self-awareness and can reveal recurring needs and wishes that you may want to honor.
Action Step: When you find yourself feeling resentful, return to your place of power by asking yourself "how do I feel, what do I want?". Take a deep breath, name the emotions you’re experiencing, and identify a small wish or need that you can honor for yourself.
How gratitude will turn things around
When your husband seems to be doing the bare minimum, feeling grateful might be the last thing on your mind. After all, it’s hard to feel appreciation when you’re frustrated, lonely, and maybe even resentful. It’s natural to want him to step up before you can feel grateful for anything. But here's the surprising truth: gratitude can be the most powerful tool you have to turn things around. It shifts your focus, brings out the best in both of you, and creates an energy that invites positive change into your relationship.
When we focus on what we’re not getting, it’s easy to notice all the ways he’s falling short. But when you start actively looking for things to appreciate, even small ones, your mindset shifts from scarcity to abundance. This doesn’t mean settling for less; it’s about creating an environment where he feels valued and encouraged to do more. Gratitude has a way of softening resentment, opening doors, and making space for him to show up in new ways.
Why Gratitude Works (Even When He’s Barely Trying)
Imagine how you feel when someone acknowledges and appreciates you—it’s a motivation booster, right? The same is true for your husband. When he feels seen and appreciated, he’s more likely to put in extra effort because he feels good about contributing. Gratitude taps into a powerful cycle: the more you recognize his efforts, the more he’ll be inspired to do more, and the better you'll feel! Resentment and criticism shut that down; gratitude opens it up.
Practical Steps to Apply Gratitude in Your Marriage
Start Small: Begin by noticing the smallest things he does, even if they seem insignificant. Did he take out the trash? Give a genuine “thank you” for that. Does he make you laugh once in a while? Appreciate his sense of humor. No matter how small, find something to be grateful for.
Keep a Gratitude Journal: Each day, write down one thing you appreciate about your husband. It could be as simple as “He came home from work,” “He played with the kids,” or “He made me coffee.” By putting it in writing, you’ll start training your mind to look for the positives rather than focusing solely on what’s lacking.
Express It Directly: This can feel uncomfortable at first, but expressing gratitude out loud can have a powerful effect. Look him in the eye and say, “Thank you for… [whatever it is].” Not only does this reinforce your mindset shift, but it also gives him a little boost of motivation to keep going.
Focus on Who He Is, Not Just What He Does/Doesn't Do: Sometimes, it’s not about what he does but who he is. Maybe he’s calm under pressure, kind to strangers, or a good father. Express appreciation for his qualities, even if his actions aren’t currently meeting your expectations.
Why gratitude is the most powerful skill of all
It might seem counterintuitive, but gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Instead, it transforms your perspective and makes you more likely to see his efforts, however small they may be. This positive energy can become contagious. The more grateful you are, the more he feels valued—and the more he’ll want to step up. Gratitude doesn’t fix everything overnight, but it creates fertile ground for positive change, making it one of the best things you can do to turn things around in your marriage.
Give it a try—take one small step to notice something good today. Over time, you’ll see how this subtle shift can create a ripple effect, inviting your husband to give more, be more, and ultimately bring you closer.
Building connection from within
Turning things around in your marriage may seem daunting, but remember that true change starts from within. Transformation works from the inside out. As you focus on your own responses, express your desires openly, and nurture yourself, you’ll begin to see a shift. Your marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about growing together through kindness, understanding, and mutual respect.
If you’re ready to deepen your connection, I invite you to download my free guide, 5 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage. It’s filled with gentle, practical strategies to help you feel more supported, seen, and valued.
And if you're ready for personalized support to help you strengthen the connection, resolve challenges, and bring more peace and intimacy into your marriage, book a complementary relationship assessment to explore if private coaching is right for you.
Your marriage journey is uniquely yours, and every small step can make a meaningful difference. Start today with kindness toward yourself and curiosity about what’s possible—your relationship may transform in ways you never expected.
Sending love and blessings your way,
Laura Amador
Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and expert in The Six Intimacy Skills
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