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One of the most painful places to be when your marriage is struggling is "on the fence". A woman is on the fence when she doesn't know whether she should stay in her struggling marriage and keep trying to work on it or leave.
For many wives feeling unloved, unappreciated, or undesired, the question of whether to stay in the marriage or leave can be a painful, recurring thought.
Often, a woman finds herself on the fence after years of trying and failing to improve her relationship. Things usually feels hopeless, she feels exhausted from her efforts, and she's lost herself in the process.
The unanswered questions, unknown future, and heartbreaking decision can feel overwhelming and devastating. Staying on the fence is painful and can often lead a complete standstill because of the overwhelm of the decision. That's why I created this pros and cons list. I want to help you get off the fence if you currently find yourself there.
If you find yourself at this crossroads, know that you are not alone. This decision is deeply personal and complex, and there is no "one-size-fits-all" answer. However, creating a thoughtful pro-con list for staying vs leaving a struggling marriage can help you navigate your feelings and gain clarity on what might be the best path forward for you.
Staying in a Struggling Marriage vs. Leaving: Pros and Cons
Pros of Staying in the Marriage
Opportunity for Growth and Healing:
Staying in the marriage can provide an opportunity to work through deep-seated issues and heal old wounds. It can be a powerful experience to rebuild trust and intimacy, ultimately leading to a stronger, more connected relationship. Growth often happens in the most challenging moments, and staying could mean evolving together.
In my own journey, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, and jealousy. Healing these wounds from the inside out has made me the confident and secure woman I always wanted to be, and who my husband finds magnetic.
Keeping the Family Unit Intact:
If children are involved, staying in the marriage and healing it often means maintaining a stable, familiar environment for them. Keeping the family unit together can provide emotional security and a sense of normalcy. Even in a marriage with difficulties, children can benefit from seeing their parents work through conflicts and model resilience.
Emotional Comfort and Shared History:
There is a certain comfort in the known. The shared history, memories, and experiences you've built together can be meaningful and hard to let go of. Staying in the marriage means keeping those memories alive and potentially creating more.
Rebuild A Beautifully Strong and Unshakable Bond:
Staying offers the chance to rebuild a marriage that feels even stronger than before. The process of confronting challenges, addressing unmet needs, and practicing vulnerability can transform the relationship into one with a renewed sense of passion, love, and commitment. This can result in a bond that feels unshakable because it's been tested and fortified by overcoming adversity together.
Sherry was considering separation after 30 years of feeling alone in her marriage. She still loved her husband, but couldn’t stand the pain of their disconnect any longer. After rebuilding her marriage with the intimacy skills, she now says she feels like she has “been given a second chance to have that loving, peaceful, playful marriage” she alway craved.
Cons of Staying in the Marriage
Fears of Continued Emotional Pain:
Staying in a marriage where issues remain unresolved can feel like a recipe for ongoing heartache. You might fear that you will continue to feel unloved, unappreciated, or emotionally distant from your partner. This fear is understandable — no one wants to stay in a place of pain.
But what if this fear could be seen as a signal for change rather than a life sentence? Emotional pain often highlights areas where healing and growth are needed most. By staying and facing these challenges, you open the door to addressing the root causes of pain, developing healthier communication patterns, and creating deeper emotional intimacy. Wives who have worked through such pain often find that their relationship becomes stronger, richer, and more fulfilling. Imagine turning that pain into a bridge toward a more connected and loving relationship.
Feeling Stuck, Confused, and Unsure How To Proceed:
It’s common to feel overwhelmed by the sense that you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle of the same arguments, misunderstandings, or emotional distance. You may fear that staying means being trapped in a relationship that isn’t moving forward, leaving you feeling powerless and unsure of the next steps.
Feeling stuck can actually be an invitation to explore new ways of connecting, communicating, and understanding each other. In my marriage, rather than seeing this as a sign that nothing would ever change, I considered it an opportunity to introduce fresh perspectives, seek guidance through marriage coaching, and try new approaches to nurturing our relationship.
Many wives who, like I did, have felt “stuck” have used that very feeling as a catalyst to discover deeper levels of partnership and love, creating a renewed sense of purpose and direction in their marriage.
Fear of Settling and Never Finding True Happiness:
There’s a natural fear that staying in an unfulfilling marriage means resigning yourself to a life without true joy or passion. You might worry that by staying, you're settling for less than you deserve, and the "what if" questions linger — what if there's something better out there?
Instead of viewing this fear as a sign that you're settling, think of it as an opportunity to redefine what happiness and fulfillment look like in your marriage.
The wives I’ve worked with find that true happiness is not about finding someone new but about transforming the relationship they have into something more aligned with their deepest needs and values.
By staying and choosing to work on your marriage, you have the chance to create a new definition of happiness — one built on mutual growth, understanding, desires, and goals. You'll discover that the potential for the love and joy you seek already exists within your current relationship.
Fear of Changes Being Only Temporary:
Lots of women I speak to have the fear that any positive changes in the marriage won’t last, leading to disappointment if things revert back to old patterns. You might worry about investing time and energy only to see progress fade away, leaving you feeling disillusioned or betrayed.
While it’s normal to fear that changes won’t stick, it’s important to remember that growth is a continuous process. True transformation doesn’t happen overnight — it requires consistent effort, commitment, and a willingness to keep trying even when it feels hard.
The fear of temporary change can be reframed as a motivation to build habits that support lasting connection and to seek support when needed. With dedication, the positive shifts you create in your marriage can become the new foundation for a healthier, happier relationship. This fear can actually drive you to solidify the changes you desire, ensuring they last long into the future.
Pros of Leaving the Marriage
Assumed Freedom from Conflict and Pain:
Many believe that leaving will free them from conflict and pain, but this is not necessarily true. For example, if children are involved, you'll still need to communicate well to avoid conflict. Additionally, divorce can be extremely painful for everyone involved, often bringing feelings of loss. Healing can also be done within the marriage by using skills that promote respect, connection, and intimacy.
Julie couldn’t stand seeing her husband putz around all day while she worked full time and took full responsibility for their three children. She thought if he wasn’t helping her anyways, what was the point of staying married? After learning the intimacy skills, her husband now helps her with childcare, supports her in getting all the self-care he needs, and took responsibility for the finances. She was able to heal the conflict and pain from her marriage and inspire her husband to be a better man for her.
Opportunity for a Fresh Start:
Ending the marriage can be a chance for a fresh start — to rediscover who you are, pursue personal goals, and build a new life that aligns more closely with your desires and values. It can be an opportunity to start anew and create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.
The truth is, many women wait for after the divorce to begin this journey of self-discovery, healing, and self-love. My question is, why wait? You can begin this journey now, and you might just find an opportunity to have the fresh start you crave from within your marriage, and enjoy evolving and growing alongside your husband instead of apart.
Potential to Find a More Compatible Partner:
I’ve spoken to so many women who imagine that leaving their marriage might open the door to finding a partner who is more aligned with your needs, values, and desires. I’ve even spoken to women who have in fact divorced and started over with a new man who seemed more mature and thoughtful.
Sadly, these women often come to me for help as they face their second (and sometimes third) divorce. They’ve discovered that a new partner will also come with their own challenges, imperfections, and a personal history that may require just as much effort to learn to navigate.
The truth is, we are all human beings with our own hursts, insecurities, habits, and scripts. To be in a lasting and happy marriage, we need to learn the skills that help us communicate and navigate these challenges in a way that feels dignified and empowering. The good news is, you don’t need to find a new partner to do this!
Independence and Opportunity To Finally Focus On Your Needs and Healing:
The process of going through a separation or divorce can foster immense personal growth. You may discover strengths you never knew you had and develop greater self-reliance, resilience, and clarity about what you truly want in life.
However, personal growth can also be achieved while still in the marriage, by navigating challenges together, honoring your limits and desires, and finding new ways to connect, you have the opportunity to delve into the biggest self-improvement project there is- becoming your best self and reaping the benefits of that in your relationship.
Cons of Leaving the Marriage
Emotional Trauma and Loss:
Leaving a marriage, even if it feels necessary, can be emotionally traumatic. It often involves grieving not only the loss of the relationship but also the loss of shared dreams, future plans, and the life you built together. The emotional impact can be profound and long-lasting.
Impact on Children:
If children are involved, leaving the marriage can create emotional and psychological challenges for them. They may struggle with feelings of confusion, sadness, or guilt, and the process of adjusting to a new family dynamic can be difficult.
Financial Instability:
Divorce or separation often leads to financial uncertainty. You may face challenges related to finding housing, adjusting to a single income, or dividing shared assets. Financial instability can create additional stress during an already emotionally challenging time.
Feelings of Guilt or Regret:
It is common to experience feelings of guilt or regret after leaving a marriage, especially if there are lingering questions about whether the relationship could have been saved. The uncertainty of whether you made the “right” decision can weigh heavily on your mind and heart.
Making the Decision: A Personal Journey
As you weigh these pros and cons of staying vs leaving a struggling marriage, remember that the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal and you are the expert of your life. There is no right or wrong answer — only the answer that is right for you. This process is about finding clarity, honoring your needs, and considering what path aligns with your values and desires.
A Gentle Reminder
Whatever you choose, remember that both paths require courage. Staying takes strength to confront issues, work on healing, and find new ways to connect. Leaving takes bravery to step into the unknown and create a new future. You deserve to make a choice that supports your happiness, well-being, and growth.
Ready to Explore Healing and Strengthening Your Marriage?
If you're leaning toward healing and strengthening your marriage but aren’t sure where to begin, I’m here to support you. Sometimes, all it takes is a fresh perspective and a little guidance to start making positive changes. I invite you to book a complimentary relationship assessment, where we can explore your unique situation and see if this approach is the right fit for you.
You don’t have to navigate this alone — let’s take the first step together.
Xo,
Laura Amador
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