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Being in a sexless marriage can be heartbreaking, and can destroy a woman’s self-confidence and sense of security in her relationship. If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone. According to Psychology Today, 25-50% of marriages were sexless in 2022.
It can be especially painful for women who wish they had a passionate and connected marriage, because society has painted a picture of husbands who constantly chase their wives for sex. The reality is often very different. There are many wives who find themselves wondering how they ended up in a cold and sexless marriage.
Here is the good news: Reviving a sexless marriage doesn’t have to be difficult. Or awkward. Or scary. Or the cause of needless emotional turmoil. Reigniting the passion in your marriage can be aligned to what works for you without needing to put on dainty lingerie (unless you want to!). But, for that, you need to be ready to experiment, have fun, and be just a little bit vulnerable.
Reviving a sexless marriage and bringing back the passion is all about experimentation, and healing the problem at it’s core. There are no magic fixes or superficial shortcuts to reigniting the spark, as you might’ve already realized if, like me, you have tried the regular date night routine without much success. Perhaps you’ve gotten all dolled up, hired a babysitter, gone on the date, only to find that your husband seems disinterested or distracted. Ouch!
I recommend avoiding common suggestions like scheduling sex because restoring a natural attraction can rekindle spontaneous, genuine intimacy, making your connection feel more authentic and passionate. Isn’t that what we all really want anyways?
This isn’t just about superficially putting a bandaid over your hurting marriage and pretending that one night of passion makes up for everything else. You need to dig deep into the root of your own blocks, fears, and scripts, remove what’s been getting in the way of having the passionate marriage you desire, and find connection points that actually work for you and your individuality.
The good news is, there are some surefire ways you can revive your marriage and turn up the passion that have been proven to work, and that use your feminine magnetism to attract him to you.
I’m not going to tell you to have another talk with your husband about your lack of sex. In fact, this will probably just make things worse. I’m also not going to suggest you do anything way out of your comfort zone that feels forced and unnatural, like schedule sex, or send him spicy photos if that’s not you. Far from it. Here are 10 things you can start doing today to revive your marriage and enjoy feeling desired again by your husband.
Set aside 5 minutes a day to appreciate your husband
You might be asking yourself what appreciation has to do with passion, but hear me out. We humans are very, very good at reading other people’s energy. We can tell without having to speak a word if someone is frustrated or disappointed in us. Often, wives who have felt undesired in their marriage for a long time feel deeply hurt, and husbands can pick up on that.
It’s easy to think, “well if he’s picking up on my pain, why won’t he just pursue me? That would fix everything!” Unfortunately, genuine passion doesn’t work that way. If you’re anything like me and most of the women I speak to, you probably don’t want him to pursue you out of pity anyways. You want him to find you irresistible! You want moments of passion to occur organically, born from your natural desire for each other.
A new study has identified that the presence of gratitude in a relationship has a direct impact on the couple’s sexual satisfaction and motivation to satisfy their partner’s needs.
In this study, 118 couples were asked to record the gratitude they expressed and received over the course of 3 weeks. They were simultaneously asked to record their levels of sexual satisfaction. The process was repeated three months later. Sure enough, a positive connection was found both times.
Why does this work? One of the biggest drains on passion in a long term relationship is resentment. Wives who have felt emotionally neglected for a long time often carry resentment towards their husbands for the pain this lack of connection has caused them.
According to philosopher Robert Robert’s analysis of the concepts of gratitude and resentment, the two emotions are opposites, which means we can’t be resentful and grateful at the same time.
This means that we get to choose every day whether we want to focus on being grateful or resentful. When you choose gratitude, you are choosing to revive your marriage.
As much as we might think our man is completely tuned out to us, husbands often know without the shadow of a doubt when their wives resent them, feel disappointed by them, or see their efforts as inadequate.
Human nature is such that we are compelled to distance ourselves from people who see us in a negative light. It makes sense if you think about it. Who brings out the best in you? I’m willing to bet it’s the person who sees the best in you! And who brings out the worst in you? You wouldn’t be odd if it was the person who criticizes all your flaws or makes you feel guilty for not being who they want you to be.
So what’s the first step to reviving a sexless marriage? Spend 5 minutes every day and think of at least 3 things you appreciate and admire about your husband.
If you can’t imagine thinking of 3 things you appreciate about your husband every day, I hear you. After years of feeling lonely and rejected, it can be really hard to feel gratitude. I invite you to give it a go anyhow. If you’re reading this, it’s because you want to revive your marriage. So try it. What do you have to lose?
Here are some questions to get your wheels turning:
What are the qualities your husband has that caused you to fall in love in the first place?
Look at your husband with the eyes of a stranger. If you were meeting him today for the first time, what positive things might you notice about him?
In what ways does your husband positively contribute to your life?
Just make sure you take some time every day to connect with positive things you appreciate about your husband. And here’s the most important part: Tell your husband what you appreciate about him! Tell him at least one thing very single day!
This might feel awkward or scary at first. That’s because this exercise is vulnerable. But here’s the truth: vulnerability is the key to intimacy. Don’t miss out on an intimate relationship because you’re afraid to be vulnerable.
To revive a sexless marriage, don’t forget about the biggest aphrodisiac for men!
I bet you’re wondering what is the biggest aphrodisiac for men. It’s not wine, saffron, or pomegranate.. It’s respect.
The first time I heard this, honestly I wanted to chuck this advice in the trash and fast. Afterall, this isn’t the 50’s anymore!
Furthermore, all humans deserve respect. So wasn’t this piece of information redundant?
And to top it all off, I already was respectful! I never raised my voice, swore, and I certainly didn’t have any uncomely behaviors. I was a lady. I didn’t need to hear anything more about respect..
It turned out, I had a lot to learn. The truth is, respect really is the greatest aphrodisiac for men. It’s like oxygen to them. Here’s the paradox: when a woman feels unloved in her marriage, she often will (unwittingly) respond by treating her husband with disrespect. He will respond to the disrespect by becoming even more cold and distant, thus exacerbating the problem and feeding the perpetual cycle.
This speaks to what I’ve come to know from experience that while women need to feel emotional connection in order to feel passionately towards their husbands, men need to feel respected. Of course, the same is true for both men and women, however the distinction is which one is the highest need.
Research conducted by Emerson Eggerichs PHD took a sample of 400 males. 74 percent said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer feeling alone and unloved rather than feeling disrespected and inadequate. He collected data on a female sample and found that a comparable majority would rather feel disrespected and inadequate than alone and unloved.
Based on this data, Eggerichs concluded that a wife “needs love just as she needs air to breathe,” and a husband “needs respect just as he needs air to breathe" (Love & Respect p. 37).
This is not to say that men and women don't need both love and respect. Of course they do! I think of this concept as humans needing both food and water to survive. We can go three days without water and three weeks without food. For men, respect is like water. While he needs both, he will feel the lack of respect first and more acutely. Conversely, love is like water for women.
So what does it look like exactly to respect a man in the male culture, and how is this different than female culture?
Respect for most women can be described with words like kindness, patience, generosity, and admiration.
Respect for men is quite different. Respect in the male culture simply means he has autonomy to be himself without feeling controlled, belittled, or criticized for it.
This means that if you want to revive your marriage, you’ll want to scan very carefully through your interactions with your husband and refrain from trying to control him. You’ll also need to refrain from correcting him, criticizing his choices or ways of doing things, and even providing helpful, yet unsolicited advice.
Most of all, you’ll need to stand for his greatness and believe in him.
If you forget to treat your husband with respect (the way HE feels respected) you may experience:
That your husband seems distant, unhappy, and seems to prioritize anything else above your relationship
That your husband doesn’t seem very loving or respectful either
A lack of emotional safety and connection
To avoid that make sure you wipe the slate clean and commit to a new, higher standard in your relationship, where you choose faith over fear and trust over control and criticism. You can do this, and the connection that will spring from the culture of respect will be so worth it!
Try mixing it up to make sure you are in a fun and playful energy (this is so magnetic!)
You know what makes any woman magnetic? When she is happy and carefree.
Turn the clock back to your early days of dating. What was your energy like back then? Were you light and playful? What did you enjoy doing when you had time to indulge in whatever you wanted?
Here’s the thing- your marriage cannot thrive if you’re not thriving.
This approach may seem counterintuitive and indirect, but it’s effective.
You will revive the spark in your marriage by reviving the spark within you.
You are irresistible to your husband when you are in your element, doing what brings you pure joy. Become fascinating to him again by becoming fascinated by your own life and interests.
Mix it up. If your self-care routine for years has been that you walk your dog in the evenings- that’s great! Now, how about you take that hour drive this weekend to that waterfall you used to love to hike to when you had more time and less responsibilities?
Have you been telling yourself that someday you want to plant a garden? Or write a book? Or learn to knit? Or visit you aunt who you haven’t seen in ten years?
Get serious about getting playful with your life again. Your magnetism will be so attractive.
Create a list of everything you enjoy doing that makes your feel feminine, beautiful, and sexy
When you feel feminine, beautiful, and sexy, that confidence and allure will radiate off you.
"Do I consider myself sexy? It all depends on the way I'm feeling. When I'm happy inside, that's when I feel most sexy." - Anna Kournikova
I’m going to share with you my top favorite things that make me feel feminine, beautiful, and sexy.
Moving my body. I especially love yoga, pilates, and even weights. I feel strong, confident, graceful, and powerful.
I will get together with girlfriends that possess self-love and self-confidence. It’s contagious and they have a way of lifting me up and helping me feel the same!
I only sleep in beautiful, silky pijamas. They are inexpensive, yet feel luxurious and so feminine.
I shave my legs at night and apply scented lotion. This helps me feel feminine and like I have my life together.
I practice gratitude for my body and focus on the things I love about how I look and feel.
I love wearing sexy perfume and lipstick.
I wear clothes that outlines my figure and draws in a the waist.
I read books about confident, empowered, and feminine women
I invite you to spend 10 minutes and make a list personalized to you. And then, do at least one thing on your list every single day.
And remember, this is for YOU. This is an exercise in self-love and confidence that just so happens to also make you sexy and magnetic to your husband.
My personal favorite: Embracing a playful and flirtatious energy
Close your eyes for a second and imagine how you would interact with your husband differently if you were free of fear of rejection, hurt, or resentment.
How would the most playful and flirty version of yourself show up in your marriage?
Flirting doesn’t have to be awkward or difficult, trust me. I used to think I was the worst flirt in the world, until I learned just how simple the art of flirting really is. I wrote an article for Upjourney on how to flirt. You can read here.
Here’s the secret: Flirting is allowing my husband to bear witness to my joy. It’s being playful and not letting my insecurities or fears get in the way of being my authentic self.
What might this look like in day-to-day interactions?
It might be a quick shoulder rub when your husband is sitting at the table, showing him a funny meme that made you laugh, or even wearing that dress he got you a few years ago and doing a little twirl in front of him so he can see how much you still love it.
The key is to do what feels authentic to you. Don’t worry too much about flirting. Just have fun- with your life, yourself, and with him. Enjoy your life and develop intimacy through allowing him to witness your joy.
If you’re still feeling like being playful is too much of a stretch because of the current state of your marriage, I completely understand. You may want to start with my free guide: 5 Steps To Reigniting Connection In Your Marriage. It will walk you through the exact proven steps to restoring connection and emotional safety in your marriage, so that you will feel free and comfortable to be genuinely playful in your marriage once again.
Simple marriage revival idea 6: Don’t be afraid to be a little vulnerable
Are you ready to revive your sexless marriage and experience passion once again? It’s not as hopeless as it might seem. As I mentioned earlier, the key to intimacy is vulnerability. Earnest vulnerability is about exposing something tender about yourself. You don’t need to sit in front of a marriage therapist to be vulnerable with your husband. You can do this all on your own, and practice strengthening your vulnerability muscles every day while strengthening the intimacy in your marriage.
A simple way to do that is to say to your husband that you miss him (if this is true). I know many wives who texted their husband this while he was getting ready to sleep on the couch again. A minute later, he was in their marital bed once again and they were connecting intimately like they hadn’t in a long time.
Once you experiment with that, you can take it a step further and say how he makes you feel (when it’s positive!). For example, if he kisses you and it makes your heart race, you can say that to him! Or if he touches your neck when helping you with your necklace and it makes your mind wander, you can say that too!
By being vulnerable with your husband, you can unlock the key to intimacy and reviving the passion in your marriage.
Become a more confident and magnetic woman everyday
“But that’s a huge leap. I could never say any of those things to my husband. I’m afraid of feeling rejected and hurt again!”, you say. I hear you, I really do. And I’m not asking you to to go from zero to one hundred in a day.
But you CAN break it down into smaller goals so that you can start having wins and moving towards that passionate marriage you wish you had.
Pick ONE goal and commit to doing it every day for the next week. Continue doing it until you feel comfortable and move the next one.
For example, you might commit to a smile campaign, and just smile at your husband every time you see him. To do that authentically, you’ll need to be prioritizing your self-care of course!
Some other examples of goals you can focus on are:
Finding three gratitudes per day for your husband
Doing something that makes you feel confident and sexy, such as wearing your special perfume or doing yoga
Playfully squeezing his arm everytime you walk past each other
Let him see you in your element and being the goddess of fun and light
Saying you miss him or expressing something positive he’s made you feel
Just take small steps to experiment and you’ll find that you’re closer and closer to the passionate marriage you desire.
Love yourself enough to take your desires seriously
Love yourself enough to take your desires seriously, and commit to making the changes necessary for the relationship you want. Invest in yourself. This investment can be your time, your energy, or even hard earned money. You have to decide what you want to spend in order to create your vision for your marriage. When it comes to my clients, I encourage them to:
Invest time in exploring what they desire and to not hold back. By gaining this clarity around their vision for their marriage, they can better understand themselves and shift the direction of their life and relationship with intention.
Invest energy, time, and/or money in their self-care! Your marriage cannot thrive if you’re not thriving. So please, if you do nothing else, do what you need to do for your rest and happiness.
Invest your energy in learning the intimacy skills that will help you create the marriage you crave. Experience has taught me that nothing is hopeless. You really can have the relationship you wish you had with your husband. It will take energy, focus, and commitment, but feeling loved and connected will be so worth it.
My free guide: 5 Steps To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage can help you take all of this further and will give you a step-by-step proven solution to reconnecting with your husband.
Be aware of the comparison and expectations trap
The biggest obstacle most people face when trying to revive their sexless marriage is their expectations and comparison. Do yourself a favor and leave those at the door right now.
The question is, how does one shake free of their expectations and comparisons while working towards their vision for their marriage? By treating this as one big experiment, committing to doing this for YOU (not to illicit any certain response from him), and committing to having fun with it.
If you apply even 1 thing from this article, you will be nurturing your self-love, self-worth, and confidence, all of which makes you more attractive and magnetic. Approach reviving your marriage as an opportunity to love on yourself, and see the wins in your marriage as an added bonus.
The comparison trap is also dangerous. You might find yourself fantasizing about other men, an ex, or just holding up your husband to your friend’s whom you see as loving and thoughtful. That’s without mentioning romance books and movies. Combat the comparison trap with gratitude.
Remember that you choose your man for a reason. You are sharing your life with this person and you have an opportunity to learn about him and yourself, to grow, and to create something new with your life partner.
Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and hold you to your vision of reviving the passion in your marriage
You don’t need to revive your marriage all by yourself.
Russell Brunson said, "What you feed your mind becomes your reality… The ideas and thoughts you allow to enter your mind is what makes you the person you are! If your mind is filled with belief, hope, and happiness, you'll start seeing that around you and in everything you do".
If you need more help from an expert with reviving your marriage, get in touch! I am a marriage coach who helps women just like you to revive their marriages and create the connection they crave. Book a complementary relationship assessment call here and let’s explore if coaching is a fit for you!
I hope this was helpful. And remember, you are not alone and you CAN do this.
Xo, Laura Amador
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