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Do you ever feel hurt by your husband’s lack of effort in your relationship? Maybe he doesn’t spend enough time with you, isn’t affectionate, doesn’t help around the house or with parenting, doesn’t respect your boundaries, is friendly with other women, misuses social media, overspends, or just simply doesn’t hear your concerns or respond to your requests. If you can relate to any of these, you’re not alone. I know countless women who suffer because their husbands just don’t seem to want to change.
Unnecessary Pain
What I’ve learned is that this type of pain is unnecessary. Remember in school when your teacher passed out the test and told everyone to keep their eyes on their own paper? Well, we’ve all been handed a creative test called life. Our test is completely individualized to our unique person, so looking over at our neighbor’s test will do us no good. All that will do is distract us from figuring out our own test and hold us back from succeeding. It's difficult to create something wonderful and beautiful when we are focused on looking at what someone else is doing.
Wandering Eyes
I thought that the day I said, “I do” I was granted full access to my husband’s test paper. “What’s mine is yours” after all! So I was constantly looking over at his paper to see what he was doing on it. Then, I turned his paper into a pain point for me by translating what he did into a direct reflection of how he felt about me. I observed what he did with his free time, who he was friendly with, how he spent his money, etc, etc. Then I twisted it into, “he spends more time with the TV because he doesn’t care about my feelings, he is friendly with women because he doesn’t value our relationship, he overspends even though I’ve told him how that makes me feel because he is irresponsible..”
I evaluated EVERYTHING he did because I needed his actions to affirm that I was lovable and valuable. I completely relied on him to affirm me because I was unable to affirm myself. I was not convinced of my own value or that I was deserving of love. That insecurity was my greatest weakness and the root of so many of the struggles that we had.
Looking in the Mirror
When I learned from Laura Doyle that I was supposed to keep my eyes on my own test paper and allow my husband to handle his own, that was revolutionary for me. Bringing my focus back to my paper was painful at first because for the first time, I was forced to take a real hard look at who I was. I had to stare my insecurities in the face and confront them after so many years of denying they were even there. I had to ask myself why I was so afraid of what my husband chose to do with his life. It turned out, I feared that if he did something that crossed the line and we broke up, that would confirm that I was not lovable or deserving of happiness after all. It would confirm my very deep seated fear that I would never be good enough.
Those insecurities were terrifying to shine light on. They were like terrible monsters that had been lurking in the shadows all of my life. As I understood that I had the full responsibility of taming those monsters, not my husband or anyone else, I felt empowered!
Letting Go of Unhealthy Patterns
Now, if my husband chooses to watch TV after work instead of taking me out on a date, I know that he’s just tired from a long day and know that doesn’t mean he’s losing interest in me. If he says hi to the girls from work, I know that he’s just a kind and friendly guy, that’s why I fell in love with him in the first place! If he makes a mistake by overspending, I understand that he’s human and that life will teach him the lessons that he’s meant to learn much better than I ever could. I have let go of my unhealthy patterns of translating everything he did and said into what that meant about me. I have finally learned to truly love myself and no one can take that away. I feel loved and secure in my own skin and therefore, I feel loved and secure in my relationship.
Conclusion
The root cause of insecurity is fear. In relationships, it is fear of being alone, rejected, and ultimately- of being unlovable.
It is common for us to want and expect constant reassurance and approval from others (our partner). Just because it's common, doesn’t make it healthy. In fact, all it does is create a cycle of pain and stunts our growth as individuals.
What we REALLY want, but often don’t realize, is approval from ourselves. To REALLY know that our value and worth are inherent.
You stop being insecure in your relationship the day you realize that whatever your partner does or doesn’t do IS NOT a reflection of your worth. It is a reflection of them. When you know deep in your soul that you will be okay no matter what, even if someone does reject you- that is when you can feel confident in yourself, and therefore secure in all of your relationships. And the more confident you feel in your relationship, the more you manifest and create a healthy, strong, happy relationship where you truly are valued and loved by your partner, just like you deserve!
Xo, Laura Amador
PS. If you haven't already, click the link to get the FREE guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage
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