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When it comes to creating a loving, peaceful, and connected marriage, how you respond to your husband’s behavior has the power to alter the tone and dynamics in your relationship.
That might sound surprising, especially if you feel like you’ve been doing everything to make the relationship work—only to feel overlooked, unappreciated, or even invisible in your own marriage.
It’s frustrating when the man you once adored now seems self-absorbed, emotionally distant, or indifferent to your needs. You might wonder:
“Does he even care about me anymore?”
“Why do I always come last?”
“How much more do I have to give before he finally sees me?”
I see you. I hear you. And I want to gently invite you to step into a new way of thinking—one that will bring you more peace, more joy, and, ultimately, more love in your marriage.
Let’s talk about how you can create a marriage where you feel cherished—without fighting, resentment, or exhaustion.
But first, is he really selfish? Or could it be something else?
When you’re feeling exhausted, unappreciated, and like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship alone, it’s completely understandable to believe your husband is selfish. After all, if he cared, wouldn’t he naturally step in to help? Wouldn’t he show more interest in your feelings?
But before we settle into the belief that he’s horrible and selfish, let’s pause for a moment. I'm sure you wouldn't have married a many like that to begin with. So what if there’s another explanation—one that might open the door to healing instead of resentment?
1. Could He Be Wired Differently? Men and women often express love and responsibility in different ways. Maybe he’s not ignoring your needs, but rather expressing care in a way you don’t recognize. While you long for more emotional connection, he may think he’s showing love by working hard, fixing things, or simply being present.
2. Could He Be Feeling Unappreciated Too? Sometimes, when we feel unseen, it’s easy to assume our partner has stopped caring. But what if he’s feeling the same way? A man who feels criticized or like he can’t measure up might pull away—not out of selfishness, but out of self-preservation. What if his ‘selfishness’ is actually a protective shield because he doesn’t feel successful in making you happy?
3. Could He Just Not Know What You Need? As women, we often give freely and assume love works the same way for our husband. But many men don’t instinctively know what we need unless we share it—clearly, simply, and without frustration. If he doesn’t step up, it may not be because he doesn’t want to. It may be because he genuinely doesn’t know how. It may also be that if he feels criticized, judged, or controlled, he might not feel inspired to step up (more on how to change this coming up).
4. Could This Be a Story That’s Keeping You Stuck? If you’ve been feeling disappointed for a long time, your brain may have built a ‘story’ about him: He’s selfish. He doesn’t care. I’m in this alone. But what if that story isn’t the full picture? What if he does care, but in ways you haven’t noticed? What if you’ve been looking through a lens of hurt and missing the love that’s still there?
The Shift That Can Set You Free
Instead of asking, Why is he so selfish? try asking, What if he does care, just in a way I haven’t seen yet? This one question can spark a new perspective—one that leads to hope, curiosity, and connection instead of exhaustion and resentment.
Because here’s the truth: Most husbands aren’t intentionally selfish. They love their wives and want to make them happy. But when communication breaks down, when expectations aren’t met, or when both partners feel unseen, it can start looking like selfishness—even when it’s really just two people who don’t know how to reach each other.
When you soften your belief about him, you regain power. You shift from feeling drained to feeling hopeful. And that change alone can set something new in motion. Now let's get into the practical steps you can take to go from a selfish husband to feeling cherished.
How to deal with a selfish husband (without fighting or feeling drained)
1. Resentment is a sign to honor yourself
Many wives spend years bending over backward, making endless sacrifices, and doing everything possible to please their husbands—only to feel drained and unappreciated.
When we give from a place of obligation rather than joy, resentment builds. And resentment is exhausting.
Why Resentment Creeps In
Think about the last time you felt deeply resentful toward your husband. Maybe it was when:
You cooked dinner after a long day, and he didn’t even say thank you.
You juggled the kids, the house, and everything in between while he sat scrolling on his phone.
You wanted to talk about your day, but he gave you one-word answers and turned back to the TV.
Each time this happens, your frustration grows. But if you really look deeper, the resentment isn’t just about him.
It’s about the fact that you keep showing up for everyone else—but not for yourself.
The story of Lisa: a wake-up call
Lisa came to me feeling completely depleted. “I do everything,” she told me. “I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids, and he just comes home and relaxes. It’s like he doesn’t even notice me.”
She was exhausted and bitter, feeling like she had nothing left to give.
As we talked, I asked Lisa a simple question: “What do you do to take care of yourself?”
She blinked. “I don’t have time for that,” she said. “I barely have time to breathe.”
And there it was. Lisa was giving to her husband from a place of self-neglect. She wasn’t filling her own cup, and she was waiting for him to notice and do it for her.
But here’s the thing: when you don’t honor yourself, it's unlikely any one else will either. We teach people how to treat us.
How to start honoring yourself today
So instead of focusing on how to get him to change, the first step is to start treating yourself with the love and care you deserve.
Ask yourself:
What brings me joy?
What makes me feel alive?
What do I need to feel nurtured and cared for?
Then, start prioritizing those things—without waiting for his permission or approval.
This could mean:
Going for a walk and enjoying the fresh air
Taking a long bath and actually relaxing instead of rushing
Saying no to extra responsibilities that drain you
Letting yourself rest when you need to
The more you honor yourself, the more others will honor you too—including your husband.
2. Empowered communication: speaking from desire, not expectation
Once you begin to honor yourself, the way you communicate with your husband will shift as well.
Many wives unknowingly fall into patterns of control communication—reminding, correcting, or even demanding their husband show up in a certain way.
This often sounds like:
“Why don’t you ever help me?”
“You never make time for me.”
“You should know what I need by now.”
It’s completely understandable to feel this way. But here’s the problem: when men feel controlled, they shut down. They either get defensive, withdraw, or do the opposite of what you’re asking—just to prove they won’t be controlled.
So how do you get what you want without pushing him away? By dropping expectations and expressing pure desires.
3. Pure desires: the secret to inspiring generosity
A pure desire is a heartfelt expression of what you truly want, without expectation, pressure, or manipulation.
It sounds like:
“I’d love help getting the house ready for our guests.”
“I'd love to have dinner out this evening.”
“I'd love to see a movie.”
"I'd love coffee from that cafe and bookstore down the street."
Notice the difference? A pure desire is inspiring. It’s an invitation, not a demand.
And here’s the magic: when a man feels free to give, he gives more. When he’s not being pressured, he wants to make you happy. He wants to please you. He wants to see you smile.
But when he feels like he’s being told what to do? He resists.
Pure desires set you free because they allow you to express what you truly want without being attached to the outcome.
When you hold expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment. But when you express a desire purely—without expectation—you leave room for your husband to rise and meet you. And when he does? It feels like a gift, rather than an obligation.
4. Spouse-fulfilling prophecies: the way you see him shapes who he becomes
There’s one more secret to creating more love and connection in your marriage: what you focus on grows.
If you constantly see your husband as selfish, inconsiderate, or emotionally absent, guess what? That’s what you’ll get more of.
But if you begin to see him as generous, loving, and capable of meeting your needs? He will rise to meet that expectation.
This is called a spouse-fulfilling prophecy.
Let’s go back to Lisa. When she started seeing her husband as a selfish, uncaring man, she stopped appreciating him. She only saw what he wasn’t doing, and she overlooked all the little ways he was showing up.
But when she began looking for evidence that he was a good husband—when she noticed the way he made her coffee in the morning, or how he worked hard to support their family—something shifted.
She started expressing more gratitude. She softened toward him. And in return? He softened toward her. He started doing more. He started showing up differently. And the best part? It all started with how she chose to see him.
5. Vulnerability: the doorway to connection and understanding
When you feel distant from your husband, your first instinct might be to either withdraw or criticize.
Maybe you feel like he should already know what you need. Maybe you’re tired of always being the one who reaches out first.But here’s something that will completely change the way you communicate: vulnerability creates intimacy.
Why Criticism Closes the Door to Connection
Criticism—no matter how justified it feels—creates defensiveness.
Imagine your husband walks in the door after a long day at work, and the first thing he hears is:
“You never help me with anything.”
“You only care about yourself.”
“I’m exhausted, and you don’t even notice.”
Even if everything you’re saying is true, how do you think he feels hearing this?
Like a failure. Like he can’t win.
Like he’d rather avoid the conversation altogether.And that’s exactly what most husbands do—they withdraw.
What Vulnerability Sounds Like
Instead of:
“You never pay attention to me.”
“You don’t even care how I feel.”
Try:
“I miss you.”
“I love feeling close to you.”
“I melt when you look at me like that.”
These statements are softer, more open, and come from the heart.
When a man hears criticism, he hears failure. But when he hears vulnerability, he hears an opportunity to connect.
The Story of Maria: From Criticism to Closeness
Maria was heartbroken that her husband didn’t compliment her anymore. Instead of telling him outright, she would make sarcastic comments like, “Wow, I guess I must be invisible.” He would get defensive, and a fight would break out.
One day, Maria decided to try something different. Instead of making a passive-aggressive remark, she simply said: “I loved it when you told me I looked nice this morning. It makes my whole day to hear that.”
Her husband looked at her, surprised and said, “you look beautiful everyday. But now that I know how much it means for you to hear it, I'll know to say it more.".
There was no tension or accusations—just a moment of sweetness and connection.
That’s the power of vulnerability.
From selfish husband to feeling cherished
Dealing with a selfish husband doesn’t mean fighting, controlling, or feeling drained.
It means:
Filling your own cup first—because when you honor yourself, others will honor you, too.
Speaking from desire, not demand—because men respond to inspiration, not pressure.
Letting go of expectations—because true love is given freely, not under obligation.
Believing in his goodness—because what you focus on grows.
Being vulnerable --- because he loves that soft side of you.
When you shift in these ways, your marriage will transform.
Want to take the next step? Download my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage – A simple, powerful roadmap to creating more love and intimacy in your marriage, starting today.
Because you deserve a marriage that feels loving, fulfilling, and full of joy. 💕
Xo,
Laura Amador
Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert
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