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When you’ve been hurt in your marriage, healing can feel like an overwhelming journey. The pain from past heartbreak can leave you feeling constantly on edge, like you’re walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions. You may feel compelled to put up walls, guarding yourself from further pain. But while this self-protection may seem like a safe choice, it also closes you off from love, intimacy, and true connection.
Unresolved hurt affects more than just your relationship; it touches every part of you, often chipping away at your self-esteem and making you question your worth. You might feel a lingering sense of unease, unable to fully relax and be yourself. Vulnerability becomes difficult, expressing your needs feels risky, and slowly, you may even begin to lose touch with who you are.
If this resonates, it may be that true healing hasn’t had the chance to unfold yet. Many people try to bypass healing, rushing forward to “fix” their marriage in hopes of a quick transformation. However, without healing, past hurts often remain lodged in our hearts, blocking us from experiencing the warmth, closeness, and peace we crave. When we hyper-focus on progress without addressing the pain, we leave old wounds open, making it all too easy for them to resurface in moments of stress, creating setbacks that leave us feeling even more defeated.
Healing is a foundational process—a journey of self-respect, patience, and compassion. It’s an act of honoring your own needs and desires, validating your worth, reconnecting with who you are, and giving yourself the care you deserve. By embracing healing, you’re not just masking hurt; you’re transforming it, allowing yourself to rebuild a foundation of self-respect and inner peace that supports a loving, resilient relationship.
By following the steps below, you can nurture this foundation and begin to reclaim the respect, peace, and connection you deserve in your marriage. Let’s look at each skill and how it can gently guide you on your journey to inner healing, one step at a time.
Download my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage
Healing from hurt in marriage: the steps to reclaiming confidence, connection, and self-respect
1. Honoring your limits, needs, and desires: a foundation of self-respect
Self-respect begins with honoring your own limits, needs, and desires—a step that may sound simple but can feel surprisingly hard, especially if you’re used to putting others first. Many of us have been taught that taking care of others is noble, and it is, but it’s just as essential to care for yourself. True self-respect begins with acknowledging that your needs are real and worth honoring. Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish; it's the baseline of self-respect.
Honoring your limits might start with small but meaningful changes. For example, instead of pushing yourself and taking on so much that you feel overwhelmed, depleted, and resentful, instead you could say to yourself, “I am worthy of taking time for myself”, "it's ok to say I can't", or “I’ll take that on when I feel ready.”
Try beginning each day with a gentle intention to respect your own energy, such as “Today, I’ll honor my limits and needs with kindness.” Over time, these small acts of self-respect help reinforce your sense of worthiness and create a steady foundation for healing.
Prompt: Think about one area in your life where you often say “yes” when your heart says “no.” What’s one small step you can take today to honor your true answer?
Mantra: “My needs and desires are important and worthy of respect.”
2. Creating your emotional safety and finding inner peace
To heal, you need to feel emotionally and physically safe. Your body keeps the score, and healing involves your heart, body, mind, and nervous system. Emotional safety is too important to rely on outside and uncontrollable forces to create it for you—in fact one of the most valuable lessons I've learned is that it is my responsibility to myself to know how to create emotional safety from within. By creating this inner space, you give yourself the room to breathe, find strength, and open up to love again.
One way to create emotional safety is by gently setting a limit around challenging situations. For example, one wife felt extremely triggered because she was always waiting for her husband to reach out to her during their separation. To create emotional safety for herself, she decided to remove him from favorites and remove all notifications, thereby converting her phone from a painful trigger to a simple tool.
Another woman decided to delete her social media accounts where she often found herself comparing herself to her husband's work colleagues and spiraling into emotional turmoil. Taking steps like these helps you remove triggers and nurture your own emotional safety, making space for healing to unfold.
Prompt: Think of one situation that tends to leave you feeling drained or vulnerable. What’s one loving limit you could set for yourself to protect your peace?
Mantra: “I deserve to feel safe, valued, and respected.”
3. Honoring your desires as a practice of self-respect
Acknowledging and honoring your own desires is a profound act of self-respect. When you allow yourself to recognize what your heart truly wants—no matter how big or small—you’re affirming that you are deserving of joy, fulfillment, and fun. But when we ignore or dismiss our desires, we send ourselves the message that we don’t matter, that our dreams and wishes are somehow unimportant. Over time, this quiet rejection of our own wants can chip away at our self-esteem, making us feel less valuable and less connected to our authentic selves.
By listening to and embracing your desires, you reinforce a sense of worthiness within yourself. You’re telling yourself, "I matter. My wishes are valuable. I am worthy of the things my heart yearns for."
As you begin to honor your desires and express them openly, it also becomes a powerful opportunity for healing in your relationship. When you share what would bring you joy, you show your husband that you’re pleasable—that there are things he can do to light you up. Husbands often love the chance to be their wife’s hero, and by expressing your desires genuinely and without expectations, you’re inviting him into your happiness in a way that feels inspiring rather than demanding. This approach creates room for him to step forward and support you in meaningful ways.
Acknowledging your desires can feel very vulnerable, especially if you usually put everyone else's desires before yours. But try to have fun with it!
Here are some examples from my own desires list:
I would love a cozy breakfast nook
I would love to visit Scotland
I’d love to join a local romance book club
I would love to make a new mom friend
I’d love to take a salsa class!
What's going to be on your desires list? Each of your desires, whether it’s for a small change at home or an exciting adventure, is your heart speaking to you. When you honor these desires—even just by acknowledging them—you nurture your self-respect, validate your worthiness, and invite more joy and fulfillment into your life.
Prompt: Take a moment to think about one thing your heart truly desires, however big or small. What would it look like to honor that wish?
Mantra: “My desires are valid and I am worthy of them.”
4. Opening up to receive graciously
Receiving can sometimes feel like one of the hardest skills to practice, especially if you’re used to being the giver. When you’re hurting, it’s natural to feel guarded, but opening yourself to receive is an act of self-compassion that can renew your connection with your husband.
Imagine allowing yourself to fully accept a small gesture, like a compliment or an offer to help, without brushing it off. If your husband offers a kind word, try responding with a warm “Thank you. I appreciate that.” Receiving these moments graciously creates a gentle bridge toward intimacy and allows you to soften into connection.
Prompt: Think of one small way you can practice receiving today. It could be a compliment, a helping hand, or even a moment of quiet appreciation.
Mantra: “I am open to receiving love and kindness with grace.”
5. Practicing gratitude as a path to healing
Gratitude has the power to gently shift your perspective, helping you see the small, positive moments that are present even when times feel tough. When we’re in pain, it’s easy to focus on what’s missing. Gratitude, however, helps open our hearts to the small blessings that still exist.
You might start a gratitude practice by noting one thing each day that you’re grateful for in your relationship, no matter how small. Maybe it’s a shared smile, a kind gesture, or a simple moment of peace. Over time, gratitude can soften your outlook and make room for more love and connection to flow in.
Prompt: Each night, reflect on one thing you’re grateful for in your marriage, even if it’s something small.
Mantra: “I am grateful for the healing that is happening within me and in my marriage.”
6. Letting go of control and embracing acceptance
One of the most freeing aspects of healing is learning to let go of control. When we try to control our partner’s actions or emotions, it can lead to stress, resentment, and even more distance. Letting go doesn’t mean settling for things that hurt; it means recognizing that while you can’t change your partner, you can change how you respond and feel.
Acceptance allows you to release the need to control, focusing instead on your own growth and peace. Imagine how it would feel to trust that, by letting go, you’re creating a path toward healing and empowerment.
Prompt: Reflect on one area in your marriage where you feel the urge to control. What would letting go look like in that situation?
Mantra: “I let go of what I cannot change and focus on nurturing peace within myself.”
Acknowledging and celebrating your healing journey
Healing is a gradual process, and sometimes it can be hard to see how far you’ve come, especially when progress feels slow. Taking time to recognize small wins and measure your growth along the way can be incredibly motivating and uplifting. By celebrating even the smallest signs of change, you’ll feel encouraged to continue on this path, knowing that each step forward is bringing you closer to a stronger, more connected marriage.
Here are a few ways you can measure your healing progress and celebrate each positive shift:
Notice Emotional Shifts: As you heal, you may notice subtle changes in how you feel day-to-day. Are you experiencing fewer moments of anxiety or self-doubt? Do you feel a little more open to connecting? Maybe you’re feeling less reactive during tense moments, or finding it easier to let go of things you can’t control. Each of these emotional shifts, however small, is a sign of growth and healing.
Track Your Responses in Challenging Moments: Healing doesn’t mean never having hard days, but it does mean feeling more equipped to handle them with grace and resilience. When you’re in a challenging situation, notice how you respond. Are you able to set a boundary where you might not have before? Do you find yourself expressing your desires calmly? Recognizing these changes will help you see how far you’ve come.
Celebrate Moments of Connection: Healing opens us up to more love and connection. Pay attention to small, positive interactions in your marriage—a shared smile, a hug, or a simple “thank you.” Each of these moments is a sign that healing is deepening your bond, helping you rebuild the closeness you’ve been yearning for.
Track Your Commitment to Self-Respect and Self-Care: Self-respect and self-care are foundational to healing, and honoring your needs is a powerful form of progress. Are you noticing more moments where you honor your limits, express your needs, or make choices that honor your well-being? These steps help create a healthier relationship with yourself and your partner.
Keep a “Progress Journal” to Mark Your Wins: Having a place to document and reflect on your growth can make the journey even more exciting. Consider keeping a small “progress journal” where you jot down your wins, big or small. Looking back on this journal over time will show you how much you’ve grown, and it’ll inspire you to keep going.
Mantra: “I honor and celebrate each step of my journey, knowing that I am healing, growing, and moving closer to the relationship I desire.”
Healing is a journey that builds on itself, one step at a time. Recognizing and celebrating these shifts, no matter how small, will help you feel inspired to continue. Each bit of progress, each sign of change, brings you closer to a marriage filled with peace, trust, and love.
A journey of self-respect and healing
Healing from hurt in marriage is a journey that requires patience, self-discovery, and compassion. Remember, each act of self-care and kindness, each moment of open expression, and each attempt to release control is a step toward the fulfilling, healing marriage you desire. Take each step gently, and give yourself grace on this journey, knowing that healing takes time.
For more support, feel free to download the free guide, 5 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage. This guide offers practical steps to help you deepen your journey towards healing, connection, and intimacy.
And if you're ready to get personalized support to help you transform your marriage, I invite you to book a complementary relationship assessment to see if getting coaching is your best next step. Click here to learn more about private coaching.
Sending hope and healing your way,
Laura Amador
Laura Dole Certified Relationship Coach and expert in the Six Intimacy Skills
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